Before We Begin, We Must Acknowledge:
The traditional, ancestral, unceded land on which we discuss, and whose presence— past present, and future— we respect, has an enduring relationship. We recognize that the material we gather will be forever tainted, for Karl Malone impregnated a twelve year-old while a student at Louisiana Tech.
(The NBA turned a blind eye to Karl Malone’s past when they trotted him out as a human centerpiece this past All Star Weekend)
Utah’s Answer to Homelessness? Give ‘Em An NBA Watch Party!
“They’re as interested as anybody else,” said Tricia Davis, Assistant Director of Utah’s Office of Homeless Services.
In 2020, it was announced that future All Star Weekends would take place in Cleveland, Salt Lake City, and Indianapolis in consecutive years.
The reason those cities were named as hosts is not because of their readiness for a tiny-beanie-wearing onslaught, nor the infrastructure required to host four 12 minute Big Boi performances, or even the amenities to inspire potential NBA lovers.
Instead it had only to do with city officials in all three locations redirecting tax dollars to renovate arenas. In turn, the NBA rewarded those cities and owners with bids and the estimated $250M economic boost that All Star Weekend brings.
In preparation of Salt Lake City’s weekend as hosts this year, the city redirected $500K of public money to the Jazz as a thank-you for laying it up. $335K went directly to the Jazz to cover expenses, while $40K would be used to bolster homelessness resources. This included $7K for meals and snacks for watch parties, according to Blake Apgar of the Salt Lake Tribune.
Though, Utah’s Homeless Coordinator, Wayne Niederhauser, said that Utahns experiencing homelessness won’t be forced to watch.
Thank God!
Gatekeeping Is Fantastic
As promised there will be some conservatism in this newsletter.
You can read through the comments and quote-tweets yourself, but the most popular are those accusing Reggie Miller of xenophobia.
When you or someone you know intentionally mispronounces, or continually butchers, a last name rather than seeking accurate pronunciation, that is xenophobic.
When a white woman accuses Reggie Miller of xenophobia for accidentally mispronouncing Giannis Antetokounmpo’s last name on live broadcast, that is Too Woke For Basketball, and you can keep that shit on the Clinton Hill side of Bed Stuy (where I live).
The NBA is adding foreigners at a rate that would make King Leopold shiver (and it’s good). After this season, the last five MVPs will be foreign-born. A hypothetical All-International team would bully an All-American squad. Team USA had their worst finish ever at the most recent 2019 FIBA World Cup, losing in the quarterfinals.
Miller’s misstep was unprofessional, or embarrassing— and certainly not funny. But I promise that accusations of xenophobia will be better received in line at Dos Toros than at the commentators of America’s most inclusive game.
Bounce Is In Its Flop Era
It’s all LeBron’s fault blah blah blah— the reason stars don’t compete in the dunk contest anymore is because they….. won’t win. Someone much smarter than me can chronicle The Gentrification Of Dunking at the hands of workout programs that promised to “increase your vertical by 6-12 inches” (happy Air Alert customer over here), culminated by Mac McClung’s victory this past weekend.
All I know is that the game's most athletic players are no longer the game’s best players. In the 1980s, sure, a couple calf raises would get you 20 PPG. The alternate title to Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance could be Basketball Player Starts Lifting Weights, Becomes Best Player Ever. But today, the baseline for athleticism is much higher.
Two of the league’s brightest stars are Slavic milk blobs, and it’s almost — hear me out— weird (!) to be a freak athlete. Like, why are you practicing a two-point shot so much?
The most brute force superstar in the league, Giannis, is SHAMED for his proclivity for high-percentage shots, labeled “Run And Dunk Man”. Even his more corporate nickname, Greek Freak, includes the word “freak”!
Jumping high isn’t cool anymore and everyone knows it!
Gossip Corner: A Brief Narc On First Time All Star Jaren Jackson Jr
In the fall of 2018 I was working on set of a [redacted brand] video production with a bunch of NBA players. This wasn’t exactly a fun time for most hoopers – on many occasions they’d do the bare minimum then leave before the contracted hour was up.
(An aside: The previous day, Russell Westbrook’s agent told me my questions were worded “shitty” then yelled at the Brand Manager for putting ‘that boy from Sacramento’ in a commercial instead of Russ (she was referring to Marvin Bagley Jr). Also Joel Embiid took my phone and tweeted from [redacted brand] account that he was better than MJ. I received calls from corporate lawyers immediately.)
On the final shoot day, Jaren Jackson Jr was slotted for 9AM, followed by Kevin Knox and Collin Sexton. When Jaren was finished, he left. Only he returned shortly after with a bottle of Hennessy— it was his birthday. Having finished his obligations, he had no reason to be there other than to celebrate turning 19 and fill up Collin Sexton’s dad’s styrofoam cup (and eventually my own).
Congrats to Jaren on his first All Star selection, and I hope he has a long career.
If you read all the way here, thank you so much. I’d love it if you shared this with a friend, or posted a screenshot of your favorite clip to social, but I’m grateful you opened this up regardless.
drinking Hennessy with Colin sexton's dad sounds exhilarating
King Leopold ref lfggggg lol